I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
