Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
