Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
