look no pants
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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