i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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