I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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