Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
