Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
