she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
