My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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