whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
