he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
jump out the window naked night went bad
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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