I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
