What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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