I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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