First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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