I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
