Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
