Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
