Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
