So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
