Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
