Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
