I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
