Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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