Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
