I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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