Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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