the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
