Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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