I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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