Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
