Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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