I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
