I can text with my tongue
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
