i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
