Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
