so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
