i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
