I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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