I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
