so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
