I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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