Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
