Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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