She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
In America we eat man semen.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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