Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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