we have pet lesbian snakes
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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