I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
