Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
